I learned today that an old friend died in October. She wasn't old in age, far too young to die, but we were close friends 20 years ago when I still lived in Nashville.

She was the first real director I ever auditioned for, and she was very gracious and did not laugh at me for being woefully unqualified as an actor. She asked if I would be willing to work as part of the backstage crew and I jumped at the chance. I ended up being the properties master for that show as well as many subsequent shows. I also designed and produced the programs and promotional materials for those shows.

She started referring to me as the "Prop Queen" because I had an eye for knowing what was needed on stage, as well as being able to find obscure items.

I helped her with a theatre workshop for kids during the summer I was in grad school and didn't have a regular job.

I learned so much about theatre from her, and I credit her with the fact that I have been able to take part in theatre productions here, even though I was never on stage for any of her productions.

At the time she had two kids, ages 4 and 2, and I started babysitting them so she and her husband could go out. I still have the pictures they drew for me. I stayed overnight with them while she went to the hospital for the third baby.

After I got married (the first time) and moved away, she and the kids came up and stayed with us and she gave a Shakespeare presentation for the college students where I worked. It was the first time some of those kids had ever heard of Shakespeare and she made him very accessible and interesting, even to the most resistant of students.

We talked on the phone often those first few years, which was no mean feat because neither of us had a lot of money and there were no free cell minutes in those days. And I really hate talking on the phone. Occasionally I'd go home to Nashville for various things and I'd run by their house and visit for awhile.

The last time I saw them was at my wedding to the Mountain Man in 2003. By that time we had been reduced to the very occasional email and the Christmas card letter. Her two older kids were in college and the youngest was in high school. I had my two babies. We exchanged pictures of their progress.

So this year I sent them a picture and letter as usual. (Well, not as usual, since I didn't send any out until nearly the end of January.)

And today I received their letter and picture. It was actually a montage of 3 pictures of the family members. The only caption was "Blessed are those who mourn." And I knew.

He didn't say what had happened, but I gather she'd been ill and the death was not unexpected. Her older daughter was married in December - a lovely event for which I know she planned and anticipated with great excitement. And then slipped away before it took place.

And I feel so sad and guilty that I didn't know.

I didn't know she'd been ill. I didn't know she had died.

How is it that you can lose touch so completely that you don't even know when a dear friend dies?

How do we drift so far apart that you aren't among the people to call for help when it's needed?

I want to go through my whole address book and call everybody I know and make sure they're OK and see if they need anything.

Just in case I need to say goodbye.